I've always wanted to write a games diary, and I figured there was no better way to start than with an XCOM 2 campaign using custom-named characters. Because, as everyone knows, making a game with perma-death into a personal affair is the best thing for a diary - and emotional trauma. Who doesn't love connecting with fictional characters named after loved ones (and Arnold Schwarzenegger) and watching them take a plasma grenade to the face?
Ground rules
This diary will follow a team of named characters through an ironman XCOM 2: Enemy Within campaign, with expansion War of the Chosen enabled. The diary will follow them until the game is completed or all named characters die. Realistically, this diary ends long before I see the credits - again, I suck at this game. If all lovingly named characters meet an untimely end, so too does my journal.
Usually I play without Ironman enabled (allowing me to wilfully ignore the consequences of my poor choices by reloading saves) but for this diary I'm going to turn it on. Ironman mode stops you from creating new saves in missions, meaning that there's no way to cautiously (see:cowardly) save before taking the slightest risk.
The Core Four
To start off with, these are the four soldiers we'll be playing with. Another three will join us further in the diary if we make it far enough, but for now these bad boys (and girl) will be the faces of the resistance. Some may be more familiar than others, but soon everyone on the planet will know their names. Hopefully in a cool, awe-inspiring way though - and not in an alien-published "Top 10 epic resistance soldier fails" listicle something.
Beckly Edwards, AKA Rebecca
Rebecca - also known as Beckly - is my real-world girlfriend. In XCOM, she's no-nonsense Beckly Edwards. A bandana-clad sniper with a taste for pink, she'll be firing some of the most damaging shots possible from afar. Whether or not she hits anything is another matter entirely.
Uh, Arnold Schwarzenegger?
The year is 2035. After a brutal alien invasion quickly steamrolls over Earth, the people need hope. The people need Arnold Schwarzenegger. After 1987 'documentary' Predator is re-released as anti-alien propaganda, the now-86 year old star becomes one of Earth's most wanted fugitives. Awakened from decades of cryo-sleep, Arnie hits the gym and becomes XCOM's newest Grenadier. His job is to cause total devastation, using his grenade launcher and minigun to inflict damage on multiple aliens at once.
Christian Slater? Really?
OK, for this one I literally just finished the newest episode of Mr. Robot and wanted to include him. It was great, and now Christian Slater is in the playthrough. Let's move past it. He's our Specialist: playing both hacker and medic, he'll be keeping the rest of the squad alive while using his drone to neutralise a host of objectives.
Andy Brown - Wait, that's me!
Finally, there's me. Andy Brown is our edgy stealth-based, sword-swinging Ranger. He'll specialise in the up-close and personal, using a shotgun and sword to do some huge damage. Can he even see under that hood?
The First Mission - Andy Sucks.
The first day at work is always the same everywhere. You meet your new co-workers, hop into a high-tech dropship, and head out to assassinate a high-ranking alien general. Classic. Of all the new recruits to start off on a bad foot, it ends up being me. Barely two turns in, an ill-timed dash across from two enemy soldiers alerts the aliens to my presence, and I lose the element of surprise. Worse yet, the alien commander I'm here to kill is close enough to see my team revealed. I now have very limited time to kill him: he calls for an evacuation, and in six turns his space-Uber arrives. It's a mistake that could cost me the entire diary (in a record two turns), and it's up to the rest of the squad to cover for me. They do. Arnold Schwarzenegger uses his grenade launcher to reduce a wall to rubble, making a very surprised Sectoid easy pickings for famous alien hunter Christian Slater. Rebecca guns down now-partnerless Advent Soldier, but my turn is up and the Advent Commander makes a run for his pickup site and out of view.
Because I refuse to learn, I send Andy sprinting after him. Too far, again. Two more Advent troops are revealed, and they dash into prime positions to kill me. Andy manages to get the primary target back into view, but he's out of shotgun range and now he's outnumbered three to one. I assume that I'm about to lose the first member of my ill-fated party, but what happens next proves that art imitates life.
Just like in real life, Rebecca manages to whisk me out of trouble. With the assassination target in sight, she uses her unwieldly sniper rifle to take her shot. The odds of hitting are low, and without a critical hit the bullet won't do much damage, but she fires. Here, the game deviates from the real world. Rebecca proves adept with a gun, and lands the perfect shot - an unlikely critical hit connects with the general, and chunks of mucus-slime the colour of curdled mayonaisse paints the wall behind him as he's knocked off his feet. Killed in one shot, he doesn't get back up.
The main target is dead, and I spend the next few turns cleaning up his lackeys. In what's proving to be a rare move for Andy, he manages to kill two soldiers and leave another for Arnie to blast. Rebecca and Christian both claim another two kill each, and within minutes the mission is complete. A flawless success: the four heroes slaughtered every alien in sight, and left the battlefield without so much as a scratch. I'm sure Andy still managed to fuck up getting out of the dropship or something, but as far as on-screen antics goes even he exits unharmed. It's an exceptional start for the unlikely quartet, and here's hoping it stays that way.
NEXT: The squad of four splits into pairs on a mission to contact two resistance groups: the clandestine Reapers, and the former ADVENT Skirmishers. Cameo: zombies.